 ©1999-1999 ICFTP What're you, kidding? |
Village Idiot
I frequently ramble when I write email. In this message to Mike, I hit 'reply' without really having anything to say. So I just started typing...
On Poetry Night, Rob played Horace and I played Randolf.
--
Dudeman,
What up homewad? Doomwad? Dorkwad? DILLWEED!!!!!
Wow, I, like, you know, uh, think the internet has really given us a FLOW of words, uh, they just grow into each other... uh.... yeah.... it's PURE, MAN!!!!
Ok, so I just choked on a huge swallow of coffee. It splattered everywhere (including back in the cup) but I drank it anyway.
Hhehehehehehehehehehehe
i think it adjusted something in my brain slightly to the left.
(twitch)
"He's mad, I tell you. Mad!"
"Will you please stop pacing, and hand me that speculum."
"This isn't going to work, Horace. No man has ever made this work."
"I know, Randolf, I know. And that's what will make me famous!"
"When this... thing... goes on a rampage and murders people in their homes, that's what is going to make you famous."
"You're such a negative person, Randy. Why don't you just pop one of those little yellow 'candies' and chill out? I'll be done here in a sec. Could you hand me that gaffer's tape? Thanks."
(later)
"Randy! Wake up, Randy!"
"Huh? Whu? Wha? YO! That's COLD!"
"Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else to wake you up."
"Well, you coulda BREATHED on it or something. At least you greased it. Ugh"
"Look man, you gotta get up and help me."
"What? Help you? Why?"
"Uh...."
"Oh, you've gotta be fucking kiddin me. You did it."
"Yup."
"It worked."
"Uh-huh"
"You put the brain of an insane man into a small tupperware container."
"What? Oh, no, I did that last week."
"Oh yeah... you really did this?"
"Yessiree Bob. Randy. Randy-Bob. Whatever, I did it. And now it's out there."
"Running wild."
"Yep."
"Running free."
"Uh-huh."
"With nothing but the wind to hold it back, and the breeze blowing-"
"I think you get the point. Now will you PLEASE help me to GET IT BACK?"
" I dunno, man, it's got its rights, ya know."
"Oh you fucking liberals. One of these days I'll have to see about taking care of you. It doesn't have any rights... I MADE IT."
"You put it together out of pieces you found. Face it, you're at best some kind of maladjusted handy-man, tinkering with the leftover parts of another's workshop."
"FOOL!! Can you honestly say that GOD would have made the thing I did?"
"Well, you do have a point there-."
"And it's out there, poor thing, an easy target for the likes of Opra. We've got to get it back and get it inside!"
"You know, I've got the strangest feeling... like I 've heard this story before... almost as if I know how it will end..."
(later)
(!!!!BOOOM!!!!!)
...
(!!!!BOOOM!!!!!)
...
(!!!!BOOOM!!!!!)
...
(!!!BANG!!!!)
"Oh shit."
"Yeah, I know, those pesky villagers are almost through the gate. Where's the goddamn crowbar? And get the oil hot!"
"Why doesn't this door open?"
"It's a secret door, idiot. If it was open all the time it wouldn't be a secret, now would it?"
"It looks like it's gonna be a secret forever! I'm certainly not gonna live long enough to tell anyone about it! How could you forget the combination?"
"In order to keep the secret from any and ALL, I underwent a rigourous program of self-hypnosis and convinced myself to forget everything about this door. Then I left myself notes in key places to remind of the door in a time of need. See, this is the note that told me I had a secret door to use in case of attack by the villagers."
"Where was that?"
"Behind the hot oil, stupid, right beside the cauldron."
"So where's the note with the combination?"
"I forget. Now hand me the CROWBAR!"
(!!!!!CRASH!!!!!!)
"Uuuuuuuuughg!"
(!!!!CLANG!!!!!)
"Fucking piece of iron! Give me that Makita."
"If I was a note with a secret combination on it, where would I be? Hmmm."
"Randy, could you please stop pontificating and HELP ME OUT HERE!! I think the villagers are inside the walls."
"If I were a note..."
("!!!!AAIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!")
"Damn, they've made it to the spike-pits. I can't get this door open.The villagers want my head in a pita. I'm going to die next to a muttering idiot."
"Hmmmm..... mmmmm..... note.... where..... hmmmm.....combination...."
"Oh god."
"Combination..."
"Why didn't I listen to what my mother said?"
"Hmmm...huh? Why, what did she say?"
"I DON'T KNOW!!! I DIDN'T LISTEN!!!!"
"I think you need to calm down there, bub. Is this your card?"
"Whu? GIMME THAT! That's it! Where'd you find it?"
"Right here... folded in with the pizza coupons."
"WHAT? Why?"
"You're the one that put it there! It was right here, stapled next to the 'RAVING VILLAGERS COMBINATION PIZZA'... makes sense, huh?"
"Sometimes I do the weirdest things. Come on, what did one shepherd say to the other?"
"I dunno, Horace, what DID on shepherd say to the other?"
"Let's get the flock out of here!"
:)