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"I wanna go home... take off this uniform and leave the show...but I'm waiting in this cell..."
What a mess.
Going to Mobile hurt a lot.
It turned into summer there while I was gone. Everything was bright rich green, and it was HOT. I don't mean just hot, I mean HOT. But hey, that's what Mobile's supposed to be like, and honestly it felt good to me. I'm super-sensitive to cold right now, so being wrapped in a warm and wet blanket, er, being back in Mobile, actually felt kinda good.
Mom and I headed down south Wednesday afternoon. I felt ok, a little queasy but not too bad. Had a fairly pleasant drive down. Mom let me drive her new Acura most of the way, and we stopped at Priester's Pecans for ice cream.
Why is it that just riding in a car is so tiring?
We got to Mobile around six pm. I got something quick to eat and went HOME, to 2005.
Everyone except Rob and Becky was around, and it was wonderful to see folks... hugs and smiles all around. Miles got up and trotted right down to see me... purr purr purr. Went inside and saw Mickey and Frankie and Micro... purr purr purr. Went upstairs and saw Lilu... purr! She's looking so good. Soon as I walked in the room, she sat up and snuggled while I petted her, none of this "Who the hell are you and where have you been anyway?" stuff. Yay, kitty!
Everyone came and piled on my bed, and talked.
It was great.
Sort of.
I felt like I was looking at everything through a layer of thin cotton gauze. Nick and Amy had wine, Christy had a beer. I had apple juice. Blah. Things were subtly different, and I was way too tired to even pin it down. I just felt it. It made me sad. I was too dull and tired and drugged to be really excited, that clean happy excitement that you feel when you're with the ones you love. I just felt... there. Couldn't figure out WHAT to feel with Christy. She was alternately loving and distant, and I just didn't have the energy to understand what she was trying to communicate, or even if she was indeed trying to tell me something.
Amy made dinner, and Rob and I played guitar, and things were nice.
Sort of.
Dammit, I don't KNOW what was wrong. It was exhausting getting things out of my car and up to my apartment. I had to take my medicine on time, which is no small endeavor. I didn't have all the stuff I was used to having on hand, lemonade or pudding for pills, ramen noodles whenever I felt a little icky and needed something in my stomach. The house wasn't spotlessly clean (it never HAS been, and I LIKE it that way) and it scared me. Being around so many people and cats scared me. I was damned if I was gonna wear that mask in my own home, but Nick and Amy have ALWAYS got some little sickness going. And they smoke. And the whole house just wasn't my safe little environment in Birmingham, where everything was neat and tidy and arranged for me. Tanya works hard at making sure I'm taken care of in every little aspect, and I just could not ask that from anyone at the house... but trying to take care of myself when I was so tired was distressing, depressing and frightening.
Went to Dogwood the next morning. Things were different there too. I went into Ray Farnell's office to show him my new bass, and he said "Hey, I've got a cold." I stopped dead in my tracks, damn near terrified. If I catch a cold, I go back in the hospital. Dammit dammit.
Being back in Mobile slammed home just how sick I am, and how different things are and will be, and all the things I CAN'T do. I know I'm doing well on the 'road to recovery' but it sure didn't feel that way. I felt sick and tired the whole time I was there. I found myself just wanting to be back in Birmingham, where all I had to worry about was getting better.
By the end of the day, I was ready to go back. I went to the house and gathered up all my stuff. Sid and Rob didn't want me to leave, and I didn't want to leave them either, but I was worn out, at the end of my rope, done in, tuckered out, fucked up and crying. I went to my parent's house and crawled into bed and Dad drove me back here to Birmingham on Friday.
So here I am. I feel like the trip to Mobile didn't do anything but put distance between me and the people I love. I feel like I've disappointed them and myself. I feel weak and small for having to crawl back to my safe hole here in B'ham. I could not BELIEVE that walking in the door of this little apartment felt like coming home, but it did. I feel safe here. I am very very sick of being very very sick.
To put it in a nutshell, this shit sucks. But ya'll knew that, didn't you?
I suppose that things will get better as I get healthier. Yeah yeah yeah, yadda yadda yadda. And here I thought the chemo was gonna be the worst part. (snort)
Well folks, I had to at least attempt to write all this down. Maybe you can dig it, maybe you can't. But I'm back here and I don't intend to dwell on it. Got some healing to do, and I still love the people I left behind yesterday intensely. I just want to be with them when I'm myself, not this fragile thing without the energy to laugh and caper and make bad puns at the drop of a fedora.
I'm going to go make some ramen noodles. Check ya later.