 ©1999-1999 ICFTP What're you, kidding? |
22 June 1999:
Well, I'm officially an Out Patient. I've been promoted from stuck-in-a-single-room Trey to living-more-or-less-next-door to the hospital Trey. The apartment I've got, in a place called The Townhouse, is actually pretty nice. It's a little like living at Grandma's efficiency apartment, with a tiny kitchen, living room/bedroom, a tiny bedroom and a bathroom, but it's very nicely furnished, in a comforting "At least it's not full of hospital equipment" kind of way, with a rather Christian motif (the place is run by a Baptist group - I've got two copies of the Jesus video now) and you should see all the stuffed animals they gave me. The floral print sofa is... um... actually, very comfortable - as long as you don't stare at it for too long.
There is absolutely no place to set up a computer. Think that'll last long? Hehehehe..
Dad's bringing up a section of my desk on Friday, so I may hold off on setting up the big Mac until then and just rely on the Powerbook. I KNEW there was a reason I was consumed with a desire to get this thing web-ready. By the way, shout-outs to Baret, who more or less gave me this thing (gotta get you that money, dude!)... which has been more useful and more fun than I thought possible. Thanks, man.
I'm sitting here in the Laz-E-Boy at the outpatient clinic, fixing to get three hours worth of IV drip. Got the Powerbook in my lap (better keyboard than the Newton) and feeling aggravated that the phone system out here is digital and I gotta spend three more hours without getting online. Grr. I'd rather be in bed. MUCH rather. Dunno if ya'll have gathered from the thrilling and exuberant style of my writing today, but I feel like shit. Chemo sucks, kids. I thought I'd be done with the nausea, but no no no... and now my meds are all in pill form. And there are LOTS of them, more than any human being under sixty should have to eat. Sorry, flashbacks of looking at my Grandma's pill-box and going 'Say WHAT? Every DAY?' I got to breakfast this morning (Mom made blueberry muffins - go Mom!) and there was a bright and colorful array of about ten pills to eat. And I've gotta do this every day for months. Grr.
Ah hell, since when do I bitch about shit like this? Gonna keep me alive, boys and girls, keep me alive. And they keep telling me it gets a little better every day - and it does, I guess. But even though I slept pretty well last night, I'm tired. I've got a ton of pills in my stomach and I'm right back in the hospital this morning. This is a hard way to fight a battle. No direct conflict, you don't scream at anyone or hit them with anything... as a matter of fact, everyone's kind and compassionate. But it's a fight all the same. More concerned with will than physical strength - and I'm here to tell ya kids, it's HARD to maintain that will when your body is just saying 'Leave me alone, I want to go AWAY I want to sleep I want this to stop.' But it won't, of course.
At least not yet. The brighter side of this is that I'm winning, so ha-ha motherfuckers, I'm gonna be cured one day! Nyah nyah nyah, eat my shorts! "This Too Shall Pass" is a great truism (or a horrible truism, depending on how you look at it) and it's so weird - it feels like very little time has passed since I was first admitted, although a lot has happened. Truthfully, I had some pretty good fun when I was locked away, and I kind of enjoy my disjointed sense of time. To me, things mostly occur as individual non-linear events... I have a hard time stringing together sequences in my life, remembering what happened before what, and in this case it comes in handy. These months of treatment are gonna go by as individual events to be remembered, good or bad, and not as one huge chunk of time. I believe that'll be easier on me old brainpan.
Guess I'm a-gonna sign off for now, lie back and let the fluids drip. Mom wants to go look at a Palm V today if I'm feeling up to it - she's been in puppy-love with my MP2000 ever since I brought it home - and I'd LOVE to get into an Office Depot or Comp-USA and play with some gadgets, check out that color HP palmtop.
Ya'll take care, now, ya hear?