 ©1999-1999 ICFTP What're you, kidding? |
26 May 1999:
Day three's just starting. It's 8:39am. Early this morning was rough. The chemo's starting to build up in my system and make me feel icky.
You can't tell from this shot, but it was really early, around two or so, and I was feeling bad. The nurse came in and gave me some Ativan, which helped. Helped put me back to sleep, too.
I think there's something about the small hours, after midnight but so long before dawn, that wears on the human psyche. There's very little sense of time here. My window admits sunlight, but the view is of a brick wall across the alley. Usually I keep the blinds closed. The nurses come in every half hour or so, and the meals all pretty much look the same. Really, the best sense I have of the time of day is who's on my Instant Messenger Buddy list. If Bill, John, Jason, my dad and Erassette are on, it's probably working hours. If Martie pops up, it's afternoon (you lazy bitch! Get outta that bed!)
Couldn't eat a whole lot this morning, dammit. But I've gained weight! That's why they have me on the diuretics. I'm taking so much fluid in that I gain weight... like six or eight pounds at a time.
I'll be back later this afternoon. Hopefully I'll be getting some Marinol here shortly and I can get rid of this icky feeling. I've never tried it in pill form, but smoking works great. We'll see.
Back in a while.
"It's bad, you know"
Get it.
R.L. Burnside had it right. It's been bad today. The chemo's building up in me. I spent a lot of time today telling myself "You will not blow chunks, you will not blow chunks" while curled up in bed around my second pillow. I wondered why they asked me to bring two new pillows in, but it's so you'll have one to hug in your misery.
I coudn't eat much breakfast when it came, so I had an empty stomach all day. Dinner just came in, and I had finally started gobbling apple cobbler off of my lunch tray. I let him have the lunch tray, and settled in to the Lorna Doone cookies and vanilla pudding. If I feel brave enough, I'll lift the cover off the big plate and see what awaits me.
(drum roll please)
Turkey and gravy with cornbread dressing. Hey, I can EAT this. Cool. Ya'll scuse me while I sample this divine cuisine.
(munching sounds)
Hey, not bad. I'll settle for this, and who knows, it may even stand a chance of staying in my belly long enough to complete the digestive process.
Ya know, I've been accused of trying to get back into the womb, but I coulda dealt without the umbilical cord! God DAMN, tied to a dumb blue machine all day and all night. BEEP BEEP.
Ooops, almost forgot to take the Marinol. Ya know, I was thinking that when I took this pill, it would pretty much be like smoing a nice big fattie. Wrong. Apparently the stuff's gotta build up in you for a while first. But they keep putting it here, so I'll keep eating, and who knows, perhaps I will reach that elusive and exalted state of buzz.